Sorrow. Surrender. Strength.

“The Overthinker” - Darlene Lovelace

Sorrow. Surrender. Strength.

These are three separate tattoos I’ve put on my back. I used to think that these were three separate and permanent stages in life. What I was trying to manifest was a better life free from pain and heartbreak. When I got the final tattoo, Strength, I thought I was done and that I was whole. Today, I know these are a part of life, a natural repeating cycle of the human condition and I will encounter these moments, time and time, again. I will meet others who are also moving through their own cycles. I use this thought to be kinder and gentler to myself and others.

We all have our own experiences, journeys, and realities and at the core, we're not all that different. I want what anyone wants. I want to feel safe, valued, connected and loved. I want to thrive, and I want the same for others. I want to figure out how to incorporate this into everyday actions, thoughts, and any other way I interact in this world.

For most of my life, I believed that I needed to be who and what others expected me to be. I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why it was so hard to do that. When I thought I had it figured out, I was afraid that no one would see it. So, I would give pieces of myself away, like free samples. This started at a young age with my belongings. As I got older it included giving away my money, my time, my ideas. More recently, it evolved into giving away what kept my body, mind and spirit healthy. I was like the sample booth at the big box stores during lunch time. Pieces of myself set out trying to convince others to buy the whole package. But I was that one sample, that no one was interested in. So, I figured I needed to try harder:

• Maybe I need to redesign the package. Didn’t work.

• Maybe I have to tone down the flavor? Not it.

• Would it work if I threw in a reward for purchasing? Nope.

• Well, I’m just going to make it dangerously spicy! Can we forget this ever happened?!

Each try took me further and further away from the original. I lived in fear that I was something that everyone cringed at and stayed away from. Only to be sold at clearance in the far corner of the store. Or worse, thrown away and forgotten.

I must have tried on every mask in an attempt to connect and find approval. Am I doing this right? Is this what you wanted? Do I look the part? Do I speak the part? Do you like me? Do I deserve to be here? I was giving my power to others who would determine my worth and my value. Yet, no matter how “good” I was and no matter how much others offered love and support, I could not stop judging myself and I could not believe what they saw in me.

I created a world with so much internal friction that I had to work really hard to drown it out.

My drinking did not start out normal pace and then evolve into chaos. Drinking hit me from day one and was my secret potion from the very beginning. I drank not only because I was uncomfortable with who I was, but because I knew damn well who I wasn't. I drank because it was easier than acknowledging the pit in my stomach; of wanting to be accepted and loved for who I am. I drank because I was ashamed of my mistakes (which translated as "my whole life"). I drank because I felt alone and believed I never fit in.

When things got really bad, it felt like I was drowning and living in pure darkness. I was constantly looking for something that would make life worth living. The next adrenaline rush. The next happy hour. The next person, job, or cause to dedicate myself to. The truth is, I was looking for connection but absolutely terrified of it.

Today, I cringe when I recall the many poor life choices I’ve made. My stomach turns when I think about being judged or rejected when I share who I am. Today, I willingly sit in my lived experiences; the good, the bad, and the downright fucked up. And I do so with unconditional love and appreciation for the lessons I have received. I continue to learn about myself and others. I continue to find and practice new ways to balance life’s joys and sorrows. I will continue to share.

These experiences are part of me and are a necessary catalyst helping me move closer to what my heart longs for - connection with other humans so they know they are not alone in this world.

This is why I’m here. This is why I’m writing.

For anyone who can relate, I hope this finds you.